As I look ahead to 2025, I can’t help but look back on 2024 and the year I had.
It was a year filled with inconsistencies, a time marked by fear and uncertainty, a period when I felt utterly broken yet somehow found the seeds of growth within. As I began 2024, I was truly lost, uncertain if I would reach the end of the year. I felt like I was drowning. I was immersed in sorrow and engulfed by self-pity. I was overwhelmed by despair and weighed down by fear and doubt. I was also battling deep depression. The struggle to hide my pain became unbearable. I found it impossible to keep a facade. I couldn’t produce a smile or convey any semblance of energy. I was stuck.
It was truly a struggle to wake up and engage with the world around me. I often felt a profound emptiness, as though I had squandered my life while battling my inner demons, along with the challenges posed by family and friends. Many speak of healing, yet few acknowledge the difficulty of the journey and the isolation it can bring. To let go of everything familiar and confront the unknown is an incredibly daunting experience. Before 2024, I realize now that I wasn’t fully dedicated to this journey; I felt as though I had one foot in and one foot out. As the year progressed, I began to challenge myself to fully commit to my own healing, and it was not easy, I cried many times.
I was in a dark place!
I began 2024 feeling overwhelmed by a sense of failure. It felt like I had no career, no family, no home, no income, and no relationship—everything society suggests we need to feel successful. I spent so much time fixating on what I lacked that I overlooked the valuable things I already had. I had various income sources (even if they weren’t as substantial as I hoped), meaningful relationships (even if they weren’t romantic), a loving chosen family (I’m discovering the beauty of creating a chosen family), and a place to live. While I had everything society deems necessary, I still found myself unhappy. I still struggled with discontent in every aspect of my life. Am I the only one that felt this way?
I withdrew into my cocoon as a way to protect myself. I deactivated all my personal social media accounts except for YouTube. Why? Producing content for YouTube unexpectedly provided me with a sense of purpose when I believed I had none. It allowed me to share parts of me even when I felt invisible. My interactions were limited to a select few, as I fought against the overwhelming urge to disappear as my situation deteriorated.
I embarked on a fitness journey, driven by a strong desire to lose weight, my starting weight was 215 lbs and I was tired! I pushed myself through various workout challenges, documenting my progress on YouTube for as long as I could, but eventually, I found myself lacking motivation and energy. I felt myself giving up.
At that time, I struggled with self-acceptance, as my depression overshadowed my goal to lose weight, it overshadowed everything. Body dysmorphia consumed me, leading to an internal battle that I faced daily. As a result, my YouTube channel, this blog, and other facets of my life suffered. I could not present my best self without first addressing my internal struggles. I showed up when possible, but prioritizing my well-being was essential. I began to walk more, taking advantage of the outdoors and wrote in my journal.
A Glimmer of Hope
Throughout 2024, I embraced countless moments of hope and happiness, eagerly opening myself up to the joy of meeting new people and forging meaningful connections. A pivotal moment came when I received a phone call from a close friend early in the year. She provided me with specific dates and asked me to confirm my availability. I hesitated, responding at the last possible moment, uncertain if I wanted to engage in activities so far ahead, given my doubts about making it through the week. It was indeed a low point but I ultimately agreed. Now I had something to look forward to.
Another meaningful experience for me was the precious time spent with my friend from Alberta. Our time together is NEVER planned, I mean we just get in the car and go lol. Our spontaneous road trip began as a simple visit to the farmers market, yet it blossomed into an adventure filled with joy, connection and food in Cambridge. I also spent time with her and her family. We had a day trip to Centre Island which turned out to be one of those unforgettable times that warmed my heart and reinforced our bond.
As I opened myself up to new opportunities immersing myself in different podcasts, discovering new musical artists, and appreciating the serene sounds of nature, I knew I needed to make therapy a top priority for 2024. Though I had wrestled with this decision for years, I finally took that important step, knowing it was a goal I deeply desired for myself. I recognized that seeking help was essential; without it, I would not be here today to share this journey.
I started therapy!
Things began to improve for me mentally when I started therapy; it wasn’t a magic pill, but rather a way to manage and understand my emotions and feelings while allowing me to share my thoughts without fear of judgment. I’ve learned emotions are neither good or bad but rather pleasant or unpleasant feelings I often run from.
This process has helped me gain a deeper understanding of myself and the people in my life and it has genuinely challenged me to take responsibility for my actions and take more control of my life. It has allowed me to value me, to value my life and to put me first. I am also grateful for my friend who holds me accountable and has been on the receiving end of these many phone calls of fear, doubt and sadness. I realized I needed professional support to truly move forward (my friend has been encouraging me as well); the way I was living just couldn’t continue.
Therapy has revealed to me the importance of authenticity, and I’m aware that my speech and actions often felt disconnected and I have been working on being 100% authentic with everything I do. I’ve faced MULTIPLE breakdowns in 2024, even while filming content for YouTube, and I can assure you that I struggled. However, as the clouds began to part, I started to glimpse the light at the end of what felt like an endless tunnel. Choosing to say yes to more experiences instead of my usual no helped me reclaim my life from anxiety and fear. I dedicated more time to those I love and care about, gently letting go of what no longer added value to my well-being.
I felt hopeful again!
I am learning to not compare my journey to anyone’s journey; as each individual has their own unique path, and no two paths are alike. While my path may seem unusual to me, I am embracing the transformation (it’s a positive change). Growing up, societal norms were ingrained in me, but now, regardless of my age, I am consciously letting go of others’ expectations and their approvals. I am focusing on what I want, pursuing what brings me joy, learning what I like and expressing myself with 100% authenticity in both my words and actions.
I began to navigate my path forward, acknowledging that I have significant work ahead of me. A sense of hope emerged within me, accompanied by a growing desire for adventure and a commitment to truly live. I attended a Soca fete for the first time in what felt like years; previously, I participated annually in multiple celebrations, but that had dwindled to nothing. A friend reached out, and we reestablished our connection, leading to an amazing experience at the party. Because I said yes again, I had the incredible opportunity to visit Florida, creating unforgettable memories with my friend and her family, and embarking on my very first cruise (stay tuned for a separate post about this adventure!). Those suggested dates were pivotal, and it turns out my friend was ready to set sail on a cruise, and I was joining her. I had no say in the matter, and honestly, I’m grateful for that. She has been tirelessly trying to coax me onto a plane for ages, but my battle with depression and anxiety held me back—until I finally embraced the power of saying yes. Stepping away from my familiar surroundings was essential for my growth. This journey offered me numerous firsts, and I would not trade that experience for anything.
I cherished the opportunity to spend more time with my friend from up north. We were once the king and queen of Walmart, sharing laughter and fun moments together. Although distance has separated us and we no longer hold that playful title, our friendship remains strong. Over the past year, he’s been an incredible support for me, and I am truly grateful for his unwavering presence in my life. I’ve come to recognize the wonderful people in my life who bring me joy. My friends from Alberta, Florida, and up north have been incredible sources of support and encouragement, making each day brighter and reminding me how lucky I am to have them by my side.
Moving forward!
Society imposes many expectations on our lives, dictating how we should conduct ourselves, yet I am determined to break free from those constraints. For much of my life, I adhered to societal and parental standards, resulting in little more than distress and discontent. As 2025 continues, I will prioritize my own well-being, holding myself accountable through self-reflection and discipline. I refuse to remain trapped within my own thoughts and be unhappy. I aim to embrace life fully, exploring my interests and trying new experiences without shame. I will strive for freedom and openness to possibilities I once thought unattainable. The transformation I will undergo may render me unrecognizable to both myself and others but that’s okay. While I anticipate discomfort, I embrace it wholeheartedly. By the end of 2025, I will reflect with satisfaction on the woman I have become throughout the year.
Here’s to 2025—a bright new beginning filled with endless possibilities! With each new month and each new day, you have the chance to craft a life that truly inspires you. I wish you all the very best and encourage you to embrace the journey of becoming an even more incredible version of yourself as this year unfolds!
If you are navigating through a challenging period in your life, do not hesitate to reach out for assistance. There is absolutely no shame in seeking support—whether it comes from a trusted friend, a trusted family member, or a skilled professional, embracing help is a profound act of strength and courage.
Soft Pastels Life 
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