It took me over a year to write a blog post, why? Procrastination that’s why, fear of failure, fear of judgment, lack of motivation, lack of ambition, and lack of determination among other things, of which could be self-imposed. I started writing a few posts but never completed them, I generated ideas but never followed through. This has been the story of almost every aspect of my life.
When I started this blog, in my mind it was a way for me to write my thoughts and feelings about my life experiences, share recipes, and just a place for me to be me. I was okay with the recipe portion but when it came to writing about anything else, I felt so insecure about what to write and how to write it (this is where the fear of failure/judgment comes into play). I wanted to incorporate this blog into my YouTube brand, but I ultimately fell flat. I lost motivation, and I lost myself, but I realized throughout this process, the person I was, wasn’t who I truly am.
When 2020 started, I had huge plans for myself that I felt very optimistic about. I visited Cuba for the first time in March and 2-3 weeks after returning I got sick with Covid. So, my 2020 plans like many others dramatically changed. This began a shift in my life I didn’t expect. It forced me to face issues that I have been neglecting and confront my issues/trauma headfirst. I cannot sit here and tell you it has been easy; far from it, in fact, the last 3 years have been some of the most difficult years I have had personally. I went through a complete identity crisis, where I had to reevaluate myself (I went into a deep dive), people, and things in my life and to be honest, I still feel as though I am going through it. Triggers are everywhere I look. Memories come and so do the unhealed traumas and unhappy feelings.
This has been a hard process of unlearning unhealthy habits and setting/keeping boundaries. Being honest with myself about who I am, where I am in life, and what I want for my life has been challenging. One of the major shifts I’ve experienced had to deal with the relationship I had with my family. For the first time ever, I acknowledged who they truly were and not the narrative I created them to be for the sake of being family. I grew up in a Caribbean household and if you know anything about that some family members always get a pass even when they do things to hurt you. “You can’t change your family” is what my mother tells me when I share my displeasure about her family and it’s something I grew to despise. I used to disregard what is being said/done for the sake of family until I realized the treatment and experiences I’ve dealt with have been far worse from family than any friend or stranger has ever done to me. I’ve realized late in life, that as an adult, I get to choose who I have a relationship with and to what capacity it is regardless if they are family or not.
Another major shift was the way I made a living, I realized in the past I took a lot of jobs out of desperation. I didn’t even take jobs that would help elevate my career as a pastry chef. It was always something that make someone else happy (we’ll get into this another time). I had to acknowledge that I always took what appears to be the easier route (whether on my own or prompted) but I always and I mean ALWAYS ended up in a far worse position than I was before. I had to unpack (still unpacking) things that have been embedded in me from childhood and it’s been hard. A lot of self-doubt and self-hate came from my childhood and it has been a struggle to deal with. I have acknowledged that as an individual I had the free will to make certain decisions but by being surrounded by things or people who didn’t serve me I was influenced, controlled, and forced into things I didn’t necessarily want. This isn’t for you to understand but I am just sharing my experience.
The self-examination process of my life has been difficult because sometimes I look myself in the mirror and I have no idea who is looking back. So, seeing myself bare is a learning process to ensure I continue to heal and grow as a person and not repeat the toxic cycles that I have been in. I made promises to myself that I often broke, which left me unhappy and not fulfilled. I am now learning that happiness is a choice as is stagnation. I am intentionally choosing a different path although it can be hard to become the person I want to be. When fear and doubt enter the equation I will try to push through because for years I’ve let them control me and limit my potential. I have allowed the opinions of others, mostly my mother to affect my life in ways I cannot begin to tell you. Since 2020, I have begun to make small and gradual positive changes in my life.
Sometimes, I feel as though I have started over numerous times but I have come to realize that I was stuck in the cycle of hate, doubt, abuse, and toxicity and always started from there. Now I am starting from a place of experience and realization which allows me to identify the things that kept me stuck in the loop. I myself may have been all of these things to other people but since I became aware of a few things I am intentionally trying to change and become a better person. My realization just didn’t happen overnight, and it didn’t happen on my own, it honestly came from my really good friend. For years we would talk and for years she would show me a different view of the world, as my views began to shift I started questioning things in my life, and for years we would have tough conversations even fights lol because it was hard looking at myself or my situation in the mirror because that was my normal. She was the only one who would tell me the truth no matter how hard it was, I did say we had fights lol (not relationship-ending fights but strong disagreements) When I say years I mean yearsssss! It’s been tough. I cry very often because let’s face it moving away from what I know and things I am used to and into an unknown space is terrifying.
Since I have been actively making changes in my life, I have begun (started many times and often stopped in the past) journaling. I committed myself to journaling daily for 30 days, this has helped me become consistent. (consistency is a big issue for me that I had to acknowledge) I journal about my day, my thoughts my feelings, and anything positive or negative that has happened to me before I go to bed. Doing this has allowed me to unload all my emotions before bed so I can get a good night’s rest. This has helped me so far. I have also been going on daily walks which helps me to focus and take some quiet time for me. It’s one of the places I get to reflect on things in my life, plans for the day or just take in some fresh air with no pressure. I take lots of pictures of flowers, trees, and animals just enjoying nature around me (all images used in this post were taken by me)
I am using this as a fresh start to be committed to myself, my needs, my wants, and my desires. Now that I am starting from a place of understanding and acknowledgment I realize the only opinion that matters is the one I have of myself. I have to show up for myself the way I show up for everything else that didn’t serve me. Although it has been a long journey so far, I am willing to take this road because the other side of this is peace and happiness.
Although it took me over a year to write this post, it won’t be my last. This is a new day for me to be true and honest to myself. A new day for me to break the unhealthy cycles and patterns I have developed no matter how hard it will be. It’s a new day for me to be a better person, a new day to be happy, and a new day to reach my goals. If you made it to the end of this post, thank you, thank you for allowing me to share a bit of myself, and thank you for the support.
I wish you all the best in your personal journeys.